Chapter Four: Somnambulism

I needed this tonight.

The reminder that a new life is possible within the one I’m currently living.


I want to sleep forever. 

This is my way of saying that I want to die. “Sleep” is my euphemism for “suicide”. Suicide, however, doesn’t always actually mean that I want to kill myself. It’s more complicated than that. Yearning for death is often yearning for an exit to this life in particular, not life in its entirety. What I really want is not to stop living, but to have another life. This is completely possible, but not immediately. It takes hard work and time to reshape a life. It takes getting out of bed and getting dressed on days when just being awake is painful. It takes deciding, every minute, to fight. It takes inexhaustible determination; a tall order even for someone not struggling with depression and anxiety. These things tend to seem impossible to those of us who do cope with mental disorders, and so the only other…

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